PONDERINGS FROM THE ETERNAL NOW

June 2004 #11

Dearest Friends,

This is one of those letters I've put off writing. It is an attempt to explain my participation in the Inmate Financial Responsibility Program (IFRP) – the payment of criminal debts. It is one of the most difficult programs for women to participate in while in prison. I'm no exception.

Our sentence included two debts:

1. Special Assessments – Anyone convicted of a crime is given a special assessment. The money is deposited in the Criminal Victims Fund. Our assessment was $200 for each of us.

2. Restitution – We were ordered to pay for the fence but this was deferred by order of the Judge until our release. We have agreed we will not pay the restitution.

The prison staff has honored this order from the judge but that is not the case for all the women here. I am blessed!

Failure to pay while in prison results in “refusal status.” The harshest consequence is being subject to a monthly commissary spending limit of $25 excluding stamps and telephone.

Two days after my arrival I met with prison staff and was told I needed to pay $25 quarterly toward the special assessment or face consequence. One of those consequences was not being able to buy my tennis shoes and thus being stuck with steel-toed shoes.

I signed!

I rationalized that I needed shoes and other basic necessities while here. I felt terrible and weak.

I was told that the money didn't go to the courts but a special fund for victims. One example given to me by prison staff was that the fund helped pay for the psychologists after the tragedy at Columbine. I could live with that.

After seven months and the payment of $50 I was told I must pay the $250 in one month or be placed on refusal status.

(Payments are determined by taking all the money received in a six   month period and dividing it into a monthly amount. The women find this very unfair because initially folks need a few hundred dollars to get basics and Christmas/birthday gifts are one time surpluses.)

One would think I would now refuse since I had purchased my “basic necessities.” But, this time my job was at stake. Cleaning bathrooms allows me to do what I wish when not working. Also, picture the scene – a room full of five prison staff yelling at me to sign, allowing me no time to think or ask questions. Sign or else was the threat. I felt pressured. I signed!

Then, I guess, more rationalizations.

I'm paid almost $20 a month to clean bathrooms three hours a day, five days a week. I'm using that money for the assessment. When I've been paid that amount, I will then spend $20 a month to help women who get no funds by buying some of their basic necessities. Of course this is all a game because the $250 has already been paid.

It has taken me some time to feel good about my decision. I feel I can live with it and talk about it. I've come to realize that we are in the end very alone and we need to only answer to ourselves and our God.

On the lighter side, I want to share a story from prison this past month. I share it because so many of the women here asked me to write about it in my next letter.

I was responsible for closing the entire prison compound on a Friday night about 7:30 p.m.

I was to report to the Warden's Assistant and the staff could not find me even though I had signed out for my weaving class. No one bothered to check the sign out book. So the whistle blew three times signifying a possible escape. Everyone was to report to their housing unit for a census count. Not happy campers!

I'm found and because I had signed out there were no repercussions.

You can imagine the teasing I endured for a few days and the rumors that circulated among the 1000+ women. My favorite was “nun on the run!”

I close with a poem by Stephen Levine that expresses what I can do these days.

Just a cup of tea.
Noticing hot.
Noticing fragrance, texture.
The touch of warm tea
On the willing tongue.
The warmth that extends down
Into the stomach.
What a wonderful cup of tea.
The tea of peace,
Of satisfaction.
Drinking a cup of tea,
I stop the war.
If only it were that easy!

My deepest love, gratitude and prayer,
Carol